Welcome back, bitches!
Best Dressed: CHRISSY TEIGEN
gown by Talbot Runhof
I am obsessed. Between this and her gown at the Oscars proper, I have completely reassessed Chrissy Teigen’s red carpet game, of which I was never the biggest fan. Keep it up, you gorgeous thing.
Runner-Up: BRIE LARSON at the Vanity Fair party
gown by Monse, shoes by Roger Vivier
I’m going to go ahead and forgive the bat mitzvah shoes (no joke, that is exactly the shoe I wore at mine), because I LOVE this gown. It has all this laid-back coolness without looking like a glorified bathrobe, but the color and texture of that velvet make it really shine. Also, you can’t not love someone grinning like that while holding their first Oscar. Even I am not bitchy enough to shit all over that much pure happiness.
Honorable Mention: KATE BOSWORTH at the Vanity Fair party
gown by Ralph & Russo, purse by Jimmy Choo
Okay, I think this gown is magnificent, but Kate Bosworth looks so constipated that I’m actually scared for her right now.
MINDY KALING at the Vanity Fair party
gown by Salvador Perez, purse by Oroton
Perfect hair, gorgeous lipstick, and a sexy, interesting dress that’s just a tiny bit more fun than your average black gown. I’m on board.
AMY ADAMS at the Vanity Fair party
gown by Atelier Versace
Standing still, it’s a little weird, but interesting and glamorous and working well with that Disney princess hair. But try scrolling past the photo and tell me it doesn’t make you hate that green-on-nude fishnet situation. I got nauseous just trying to write this.
SARAH HYLAND at the Elton John party
gown by Blumarine, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz
Oh, calm down with all your diamonds. It’s just the after-party, for God’s sake. Also, she is absolutely giving us Blue Steel right now.
HEIDI KLUM at the Vanity Fair party
gown by Atelier Versace
It’s not my favorite thing in the world, but why couldn’t she have worn this to the actual Oscars, instead of that purple monstrosity?
HILARY SWANK at the Vanity Fair party
gown by Michael Kors, jewelry by Bulgari, shoes by Sophia Webster
SOFIA VERGARA at the Vanity Fair party
gown by Mark Zunino, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz
Congratulations, Sofia – I don’t hate your dress! I only hate your styling. Seriously, how many goddamn diamonds are people wearing to NOT THE REAL OSCARS?! And she actually got to go to the real event, so she’s not one of those starlets who’s dressing up fancy to compensate for the fact that this is their only Oscars experience. This dripping-in-diamonds choice just makes no sense to me. At least, not with that hair.
OLIVIA WILDE at the Vanity Fair party
gown by Prabal Gurung, jewelry by Neil Lane, purse by Roger Vivier
LORDE at the Vanity Fair party
gown by Monique Lhuillier
Okay, I’m not one for unsolicitedly telling women to smile, but you are voluntarily posing on a step-and-repeat at a huge Hollywood event wearing a free designer gown and people around you are celebrating one of the happiest nights of their careers. Somewhere nearby, Leonardo DiCaprio is holding his statue, gently weeping. I’m just saying, you could look like you want to be there a little bit. For Leo!
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE and JESSICA BIEL at the Vanity Fair party
suit by Tom Ford
gown by Zuhair Murad, purse by Roger Vivier
He can werq it in absolutely anything. She is making me depressed with that shade of … lavender sewer water, maybe?
LADY GAGA at the Vanity Fair party
top and pants by Brandon Maxwell
I am all for pants on the red carpet. I am not for pants that drag a foot over your shoes and tacked-on trains that make no sense at all. Also: DEATH TO THE PEPLUM.
Worst Dressed: EMILIA CLARKE at the Vanity Fair party
gown by Miu Miu, jewelry by Jacob & Co., purse by Christian Louboutin
KHALEESI DESERVES BETTER.