By popular demand, here is everything you need to know about the mostly fugly, but sometimes fabulous American Music Awards red carpet! Let’s judge some rich and thin bitches – it’s like therapy, but free.

Heidi Klum

I love lace as much as the next girl, but I don’t think I can handle another sheer lace dress on the red carpet. Certainly not this one, which is just strange and ugly. The sash in the middle is unflattering and doesn’t go with the rest of the garment. The sleeves look old-fashioned and matronly. I don’t think this fits her all that well, and even if it did, I just see no appeal to this dress. Sorry, Frau Klum. Auf wiedersehen.

Jessica Alba in Cushnie et Ochs

I try to mention Jessica Alba as little as possible on this blog, because I think she is possibly the most boring person on the planet. She’s never done or worn anything interesting; worse yet, she’s hailed as an A-list celebrity and fashion icon in spite of the fact that she’s not good at anything. But I felt guilty ignoring her when I’m talking about basically every single other celeb on the red carpet at the AMAs. Anyway, the jewelry is too chunky, the dress is boring, and the hair is downright lazy. And I know it’s only the AMAs, but you still need to blow dry your hair before leaving the house. Just a thought.

Katy Perry in Badgley Mischka

When did Katy Perry get so classy? I mean, sure, it looks like she may have some balled-up tissues glued to her cocktail dress, but this is uncommonly normal, especially for a woman who has candy shooting out of her boobs in half her music videos. She looks stunning here – it’s easy to forget how beautiful she is when she’s running around in blue Betty Page wigs and loud dresses that are a few sizes smaller than she should be wearing. But here, she’s positively glowing. Looks like marriage really can make you grow up, even if you marry someone who used to be addicted to heroin and sex.

Pink in vintage Janey Lopaty

I don’t know what year Pink thinks it is, but in 2010, women can be pregnant and still look good on the red carpet! Just because you’re with child doesn’t mean you have to dress like a blind nun. What the hell is going on with the fit of this sad little dress? The bust is a complete disaster. And the grey-blue hair is just annoying.

Rihanna in Elie Saab Haute Couture

Rihanna in Elie Saab Haute Couture

Like her colleague Ms. Perry, Rihanna looked surprisingly classy and glamorous. I honestly think this is the best she’s ever looked.  Her hair, while still a bit insane, has gotten infinitely less stupid. And though this dress is over-the-top, I think it’s exactly the right dress for her. She’s completely covered up and totally revealed at the same time. I love the color and the fit, but she gets a few points off for jumping on the sheer lace dress bandwagon.

Rihanna in Elie Saab Haute Couture

Damn. This is seriously a gorgeous dress. Beautiful color and amazing draping. The popped leg is a bit much – Rihanna, we’ll still believe you have thighs even if you stop flashing them for a moment – but once again, a usually nutter-butter pop star looks shockingly classy and fabulous.

Christina Milian

Apparently, Christina Milian is still alive. But she’s clearly been abducted by slutty Hollywood aliens – and even the aliens can’t help but throw some lace on this dress.

Jenny McCarthy in Stella McCartney

Ugly, outdated, and boring.

Kelly Osbourne in Christian Dior

People need to stop photographing Kelly Osbourne from this angle. The girl has a weirdly large head to begin with, and this angle really isn’t doing her any favors. But at least she’s rocking her little black dress. I like the trannylicious eye makeup and the pop of turquoise in her jewelry. She’s really turned herself from the chunky kid of a bat-eating rocker into a beautiful and stylish fashionista.

Fergie in Falguni and Shane Peacock

If a suit of armor and a 1920s flapper had a love child who ended up working as a drag queen in a burlesque club, this is what she would wear.

Fergie

Better, but still tacky as hell and a size too small. And you can give that haute couture pose all you want, Ferg, but that won’t distract from the fact that you have no taste and no talent.

Mandy Moore in Matthew Williamson

Um, Mandy? What the hell happened to you? Obviously there was an ill-informed hair dye choice and a switch to a really boring stylist, but did you also get some bad work done? Because this bitch is completely unrecognizable. Cheekbone implants? A new chin? Botox? An eyelift? I don’t know what you did, but I hope you can undo it, and fast.

Darren Criss

Finally, someone with both a sense of style and a sense of humor! This Glee cutie is looking mighty adorable in his suit, made a little more casual and funky with a fabulous plaid shirt and white tie.

Jada Pinkett Smith in Emilio Pucci

Good lord, when will she stop? I used to love me some Jada, but her sense of style has been on a downward spiral for quite some time. I hate the mullet skirt, the gladiator accessories, and most of all, these God-awful colors.

Willow Smith

One day, Willow, we can look back on this together and laugh. This is like the worst of Lady Gaga meets the worst of Michael Jackson, plus the ugliest shoes in the history of mankind. You may be the spawn of famous, beautiful, and talented people, and you may be friggen’ adorable, but this is unforgiveable, even for a child.

Taylor Swift in Collette Dinnigan

T-Swift is looking mighty fierce, if basically unrecognizable, with her new bangs. I think it’s about time that she went for a more mature and dramatic haircut, but she looks so different that this might actually end up hurting her. The dress is unoffensive but also unsurprising – Taylor basically lives in red gowns and sparkly cocktail dresses. But I’m glad her style is maturing – I think she’s never looked better.

Miley Cyrus in Marchesa

Miley Cyrus in Marchesa

The number one reason that I hate trains: if you don’t know what to do with it, it just looks like the entire roll of toilet paper got caught on your shoe in the ladies’ room. Take it away, and you’ve got a basic, boring, teeny little starlet dress. And tacky stripper-meets-ice-dancer shoes. But at least I can’t see her hoo-ha. That’s an improvement.

Whitney Port in Rafael Cennamo

Is it just me, or is this just a draped and belted copy of Miley’s dress?

Avril Lavigne

How many more years is Avril going to hold onto that awful hairdo? At least stars with similarly tacky hair styles (like Pink, Rihanna, Katy Perry, etc.) change their hairdos constantly to keep us talking, even if it’s about how they look crazier than ever. Does anybody still do this stick-straight, no-bangs hairdo, or did that go out of style at least five years ago? Not to mention the black-under-platinum coloring, which certainly hasn’t been trendy since George W. Bush’s first term, and the pink streaks, which I think died with the end of the 20th century. If you’re going to be a no-talent faux punk princess, at least give us something new to say about your style.

Sheryl Crow in Etro

This looks like it was made through a collaboration of Project Runway season 8 winner Gretchen and season 4 finalist Uli. It’s a lot of print, but that’s not the biggest problem. I think the fit and the colors are just too drab and sad for the red carpet. If it were shorter and tighter, I might support the ugly prints, but this is just a bit too lame.

Nicki Minaj in Manish Arora

I’m making the same face, because I’ve been looking at this photo for days and I just noticed that the bright green color next to her arms is not part of the dress, but part of her HAIR. I have nothing to say except that now I understand why Rihanna and Katy look so normal – there are tackier, crazier, and somehow even less talented bitches ready to wear whatever ridiculous shit will get them even a modicum of attention. And I guess it worked, because here I am, blogging about this Lady Gaga wannabe like she actually deserves any of my attention.

Kesha

Let that sink in, and then prepare yourself for the close-up:

Kesha

I don’t think there’s anything left to say except that Kesha is clearly in desperate need of an intervention.

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© Democracy Diva, 2010.