I know, I know, I’m late.
Best Dressed: EVAN RACHEL WOOD
tuxedo by Altuzarra, jewelry by Tiffany & Co., purse by Judith Leiber, shoes by Salvatore Ferragamo
MARRY ME, EVAN, AND NOT JUST BECAUSE I’LL THEN HAVE 50% OF EVERYTHING YOU OWN INCLUDING THIS VELVET TUX.
Runner-Up: MICHELLE DOCKERY
gown by Elie Saab
So glad that the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey have donated their remaining circus tents to needy starlets! What a great way to lower their carbon footprint. TBH, it’s possible I would hate this on anyone except Lady Mary, but it always makes me happy to see her in something modern and a little bit weird.
Honorable Mention: NATALIE PORTMAN
gown by Christian Dior, jewelry by Tiffany & Co.
Fresh out of fucks to give, and ready to fly away on those wings. I’m here for pregnant take-no-prisoners Natalie, you guys.
gown by Brandon Maxwell, jewelry by Cartier
Well, that jewelry certainly is… fungal? Bacterial? Lesion-esque? I actually like this look, but I’m curious to know whether those bulbous gray blobs are worth more or less than every apartment I’ve ever lived in combined.
gown by Elizabeth Kennedy
Classic, old Hollywood glam.
tuxedo by Ralph Lauren
Aw, he cute. Go on and get it, Daario.
gown by Chanel
Not my favorite in the pantheon of black-and-white lewks Janelle has served us recently – the cuffs really kill it for me – but this woman really can do no wrong.
CHRISSY TEIGEN and JOHN LEGEND
Chrissy’s purse by Judith Leiber
Did he go TIELESS? A wing-tipped collar, WITHOUT A TIE? What in the name of Chrissy Teigen’s Twitter account is going on here? Shit, John, it’s a good thing Chrissy looks classy and fabulous enough for the both of you.
gown by Tadashi Shoji, jewelry by Jacob & Co., purse by Tyler Ellis
Pretty. The rouching of the sheer fabric is really lovely.
suit by Brunello Cucinelli
Highly fuckable, in that greasy kinda way.
gown by Roberto Cavalli
Better in theory than in execution, no? It’s too tight in some parts, too long in others, and the embellishments feel a little scatterbrained.
gown by Schiaparelli
Okay, Thandie. I get it. Deep down, you’re quirky. But here are the rules: you get a weird-ass twisted collar thing, OR horsies, OR a ferris wheel on your skirt. All three is just greedy.
gown by Gucci, jewelry by Irene Neuwirth
Her husband owns one of the biggest fashion companies on the planet, and yet she ALWAYS looks like a bridesmaid. How is this even possible?
gown by Patricia Bonaldi
gown by Louis Vuitton
gown by Zuhair Murad, jewerly by Lorraine Schwartz
gown by Christian Dior, jewelry by Dana Rebecca
Is she en route to a theme party or a funeral? We may never know for certain.
gown by Adeam, jewelry by Tasaki
Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever once seen her with the right kind/amount of makeup on the red carpet. It’s always colors that don’t work for her, or severe lines, or something else to make her look even more constipated than usual. It’s not that hard, Taylor. Hire a better makeup artist. That’s it. That’s the whole thing.
gown by Mikael D.
Definitely the first to be eliminated on the next season of RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Worst Dressed: NICOLE KIDMAN
gown by Gucci
SHE’S DRESSED AS A PEACOCK.
A MOTHERFUCKING PEACOCK.
Everybody go home. This is it. I retire.
Respond to 2017 SAG Awards, Part 3