Hey, the Globes were only like 45 news cycles ago. It’s not too late for fashion recaps!
Best Dressed: SAOIRSE RONAN
gown by Atelier Versace, jewelry by Cartier
What’s not to love? The dress is mod-glam realness, the cuff is stunning, the earrings are a delight. And the makeup! Something about the shade of pink on her lips and cheeks just fills me with joy. Is that a weird thing to say? Why, yes! Welcome to this blog. I say weird things.
Runner-Up: ALLISON JANNEY
gown by Mario Dice
Holy SHIT. Listen, like any other red-blooded American, I cream my pants for Allison Janney. But I didn’t really know she had this level of style chops. I can’t take my eyes off this fucking magnificent bird of prey.
Honorable Mention: MILLIE BOBBY BROWN
dress by Calvin Klein, jewelry by Repossi
Funky dress, KILLER shoes, styled to the nines. What more could you ask for from everyone’s favorite tweenage icon? I saw some folks in a huff about Millie’s people dressing her too mature for her age, but I think 1) that takes a little bit of agency away from Millie, who, like most 13-year-olds, probably wants to look older than she is (we can criticize a culture that fosters that desire, but I think it’s absurd to assume that her styling happens without her having any kind of say in the matter at all), and 2) black is always going to look very dramatic and strangely grown-up on a child, so she didn’t have much of an option on this red carpet other than to go for something that would read as sleek, chic, and oddly adult-y.
Do we all have to do a better job of remembering that children are children, even when they’re on red carpets? Absolutely. But I also think we should remember how it feels to be a tween, and how desperately you want to look old enough for the world to take you seriously. I think Millie strikes that balance well, even if the rest of the world doesn’t.
gown by Brandon Maxwell, purse by Tyler Ellis
No complaints here. Gorgeous from toe to ‘fro.
gown and pants by Christian Siriano, jewelry by Chopard
Christian Siriano seems to be responsible for dressing everyone larger than a size two in Hollywood. And while it’s an absolute embarrassment that the Chanels and Guccis of the world flat-out refuse to lend their clothes out to anyone biggerthan a centipede, no matter how famous and/or beautiful they may be, godDAMN do I love how Siriano makes these women look. Sexy and elegant and powerful and strong, like they’re not afraid to take up space. I always feel weirdly empowered by his designs, and I don’t think I can give a designer a much better compliment than that.
gown by Louis Vuitton, jewelry by Bulgari
Hauntingly beautiful. Excellent use of jewelry. Every diamond absolutely pops.
blazer and gown by Tom Ford, jewelry by Tiffany & Co.
LOVE that little tuxedo-bolero jacket! I think the way the dress is draped leaves me a little unimpressed – particularly at the bottom, where the whole thing kind of seems to be unraveling – but overall, I’m on board. And I know I’m a broken record at this point, but THOSE EARRINGS. YAS, WONDER WOMAN. THEY ARE EVERYTHING.
OCTAVIA SPENCER and JESSICA CHASTAIN
Octavia’s gown by Tadashi Shoji, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Jessica’s gown by Armani Privé, jewelry by Piaget
These two are just a joyous duo. I’m not into Jessica’s lipstick, and I’m a little salty about Octavia’s dress, bag, and shoes being three wildly different shades of black, but it’s hard not to grin when you see these two, isn’t it?
blazer and skirt by Christian Dior
Cool jacket, but something about this feels kind of grim and foreboding, like Michelle might reach through the screen and strangle me. Which, I mean, fair enough, I’ve probably earned it.
gown by Ralph & Russo, jewelry by Atelier Swarovski
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 1999 Academy Awards!
gown by Valentino, jewelry by Harry Winston
See that confused expression on Lily’s face? The one that seems to say, “someone next to me just farted and I think they may have some serious intestinal issues?” That’s what my face looks like every time I see these ruffles!
gown by Rosie Assoulin, jewelry by Irene Neuwirth
Let’s be real, I only like it because it has pockets.
CAROL BURNETT and JENNIFER ANISTON
Jennifer’s gown by Schiaparelli, jewelry by Fred Leighton
I need Carol’s coat, and I need it now. Jennifer, on the other hand, I don’t even know where to begin with that one. Has she changed her hair style in the last fifteen years? What’s with the extra fabric that seems to hover over her left leg? Why do we still have to pretend she’s funny or interesting? The questions never end, my friends.
dress by Prabal Gurung, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz, shoes by Roger Vivier
Honestly, this is an uncommonly stupid outfit that only looks good because Kerry Washington is one of the universe’s most beautiful people. The dress is hardly more than a sparkly bedsheet, and the shoes are truly a crime against my eyeballs.
SALMA HAYEK and ASHLEY JUDD
Salma’s gown by Balenciaga, jewelry by Harry Winston
Ashley’s gown by Elie Saab, jewelry by Martin Katz
I don’t know, guys. Are we SURE these aren’t wax figurines of them? Or maybe just extremely lifelike robots?
gown by Zuhair Murad, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz
I’ve seen this dress on the red carpet 800 too many times over the past two years to give any fucks about this whatsoever.
gown by Ashi Studio, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz
Honestly, for Heidi, it’s not so bad, but that’s a preeeeetty low bar. Dig the shoes, though!
top and skirt by Ralph Lauren, jewelry by Forevermark
Shailene walked the red carpet with Calina Lawrence, an advocate for a variety of issues impacting Native Americans, including the Mni Wiconi (“Water is Life) movement of the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe. So I’m going to try really hard to be respectful and not ask why she’s dressed like Helen Mirren’s grandma.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
dress by Dolce & Gabbana, jewelry by Fred Leighton, shoes by Manolo Blahnik
It will never stop being mindblowing to me that people think this woman has a good sense of fashion.
gown by Valentino
Again, we’ve seen this dress on every model on the planet. But this one is somehow worse, with that weirdly wide scooped-neck (why not just have it come to a point?), the world’s largest granny panties, and that expression on Kate’s face that says, “yeah, I know, I’m disappointed in me, too.”
gown by Atelier Versace, jewelry by Forevermark
You could swap this photo out for Angelina at any other red carpet event of the last decade and I honestly wouldn’t notice because SHE HAS WORN 8000 DRESSES NEARLY IDENTICAL TO THIS ONE AND IT IS UNFURIATING. She is so unbearably boring when it comes to her fashion. Which I think would be fine, if she didn’t give enough of a fuck to be out there in Versace couture, you know? Like, if you don’t care, go full Frances McDormand and give no fucks at all. But if you care, even at all, maybe don’t wear the same dress to every event for decades at a time? Just a thought!
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