Shit, dear readers, we have a LOT of judging to get through. I hope you’ve stretched.
Best Dressed: FELICITY JONES
gown by Christian Dior, earrings by Van Cleef & Arpels
Audrey Hepburn reincarnated. There is no higher compliment. Everything is perfect, but my favorite detail was the buttoned-up back:
It’s less than two weeks into 2015, but I can declare with confidence that this will be one of my favorite looks of the year. If people didn’t know Felicity Jones’s name before, they certainly will now.
Runner-Up: EMMA STONE
jumpsuit by Lanvin
When I saw this on TV, I wasn’t quite sold. But after compiling photos of more than sixty different stars at this event (ugh, I’m tired), most of whom looked basic at best, I have to give it to Emma Stone. She brought the weirdness in the best possible way. And I straight-up fell in love with this look after seeing it from a side angle:
I rest my case.
Honorable Mention: TINA FEY and AMY POEHLER
Tina’s gown by Antonio Berardi, purse by Roger Vivier
Amy’s gown by Stella McCartney
These two extraordinary bitches. I love them with all of my heart and soul. It is a joy to see Tina taking such major red carpet risks when it was probably only two years ago that she was addicted to basic black and navy gowns. She’s got enough elegance to pull off this decidedly weird shape, and the embellishments at the center are gorgeous. And Amy? Come on. The color, the pockets, the fact that she’s positively dripping with diamonds – it’s all working. And I love that, for the opening monologue, they changed into dresses that were practically sisters to their respective red carpet looks:
Their stylists deserve a raise for that stroke of genius alone.
CHANNING TATUM and JENNA DEWAN-TATUM
Channing’s tuxedo by Dolce & Gabbana
Jenna’s gown by Carolina Herrera
A career high for Jenna, who is fucking glowing in that canary yellow. The fit is spectacular and the styling is lovely. Oh, and I guess Channing Tatum isn’t so bad-looking. Whatever.
gown by Randi Rahm
I cannot stop looking at this dress. The silver beading with little splashes of red everywhere – extraordinary. The silhouette is gorgeous, and I love that the colors of the gown are reflected in her makeup. Another red carpet victory for Crazy Eyes.
gown by Narciso Rodriguez
The hair is kind of sad, but you know how LA people get when it rains. Across the board, the hair at this event was atrocious, and I’ll choose to blame that on the weather/LA folks not understanding the need for extra-hold hairspray. Anyway, a toast to Julia for wearing white but not looking bridal. And let’s also applaud whoever chose this shape for Julia – she’s only 5’3″, but she looks fucking statuesque in this silhouette.
gown by Giambattista Valli, jewelry by Chopard
I was obsessed with this the moment it hit my television, but it’s got a few flaws that kept it from reaching the top of my list. First of all, doesn’t the whole thing look like it’s dying to be pulled up an inch or two? I just don’t think that bodice is sitting in the right place, and the dragging-on-the-ground skirt only makes her look shorter. And I usually enjoy Lupita’s matchy-matchy style, but honestly, that purple purse is childish and silly. It’s still an exceptionally beautiful gown on an even more gorgeous woman, but it’s not as perfect as I thought it was at first glance.
gown by Atelier Versace, jewelry by Tiffany & Co.
It must be nice to be too rich to give a fuck about ruining a couture gown with rain water. But wet hemlines aside, this gown fits her like a dream, and the color was made for her. This had a safe spot in my top three… until I noticed the shoes. Are those dyed-to-match satin platforms?! Related question: is this Amy Adams’s bat mitzvah?
gown and purse by Alexander McQueen
This dress is spectacular, but Salma seems to be modeling eight different bridal trends at once. A brass-knuckled purse just doesn’t work with a flower in your hair. And the mega-earring/giant flower combo is just too much.
gown by Versace, earrings by Bulgari, purse by Rauwolf
I won’t even pretend I have the right to critique a seventy-seven year old woman who still looks this fantastic and has this much fun with her wardrobe. Never change, Jane Fonda.
gown by Marchesa
Clearly, my favorite ladies’ maid had no idea she was going to win a Golden Globe, because she went for a more understated, wallflowery look. I hate the hair, the matching purse, and the lack of jewelry, but this isn’t a bad look. I’m just waiting for Joanne to have the confidence to hit an event this big in a look that demands attention.
gown by Kaufmanfranco, purse by Salvatore Ferragamo, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Not the best color for her skin tone, and the styling feels a bit scatterbrained.
gown by Michael Kors, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz
This was a disappointment. Emily Blunt was so magnificent in Into the Woods, and wore some really fantastic shit on that press tour. I wanted her to pull out all the stops for this event, but instead, she veered wildly into basic bitch territory. This plain Michael Kors gown would have been fine for a lesser event, but it just lacks the requisite oomph for the Globes. And if I were regularly having sex with John Krasinski, I’d want the world to know it too, but I’m not sure that postcoital hairdo was the best way to tell us that. Also: turquoise jewelry at a formal event. Enough said.
tuxedo by Dolce & Gabbana, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Points for stepping outside the box, David, but you get to wear bedazzled shoes OR a bedazzled tuxedo. Not both.
CHRISSY TEIGEN and JOHN LEGEND
Chrissy’s gown by Zuhair Murad, purse by Tyler Alexandra
So, no one noticed that this dress makes Chrissy look like she’s wearing the world’s most expensive diaper?
gown by Elie Saab, jewelry by Bulgari, shoes by Salvatore Ferragamo
That skirt is the saddest. It might be illegal to sell a skirt that sad without a prescription for Zoloft on the side.
gown by Ralph Lauren
Stop whatever it is you are trying to do with your eyebrows right this instant. We cannot all have Cara Delevingne’s brows. Yours appear to have been drawn on with magic marker, along with your lipstick. Taylor, you need to make your makeup artist pay for the atrocity he has inflicted all over your beautiful face.
gown by Gucci, necklace by Bulgari
This color is truly horrific on her, and the lipstick isn’t helping. The styling choices feel so random – what is that white purse even doing here? And yes, the Bulgari serpent necklace is spectacular, but Naomi has worn it half a dozen times already, so I can’t give her too many points for that.
gown and purse by Miu Miu
This dress is straight-up stupid, and I don’t even want to know what is happening on top of Kate’s head.
Worst Dressed: KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
gown by Chanel
Keira Knightley: the sluttiest girl on the Oregon Trail.