“Basic Bitches at the Met Gala” has become an annual tradition at Democracy Diva Headquarters. Here, that phrase knows no gender – only the brutal, existential torture of seeing extremely wealthy/extremely famous/extremely beautiful people completely waste life’s precious opportunities to be fabulous.

Are you caught up on the rules? Good.

GWYNETH PALTROW
gown by Calvin Klein

All hail Gwyneth Paltrow, the First of Her Name! Conscious Uncoupler, Lover of Column Gowns, GOOP-er of Expensive Nonsense, and Patron Saint of Basic Bitches!

KIM KARDASHIAN WEST
gown by Vivienne Westwood

Gwyneth might be the basic bitches’ patron saint, but Kim K is definitely at least their vice-president.

KYLIE JENNER
gown by Versace

I have seen this dress no less than seven hundred times in the last few years of red carpet blogging. Every fucking model on earth throws on some netting embellished with sequins and pretends she’s a visionary. WE ARE OVER IT, CELEBRITIES. STOP.

FELICITY JONES
gown by Erdem

This is a style I like to call “manic pixie dream basic.” You know, one of those dresses that calls to mind the word “adorkable,” despite the fact that you promised yourself never to use that word again in like 2011? They’re generally described as “whimsical” and “quirky” and all those other words that usually just mean “white girl who likes ruffles.”

LA LA ANTHONY
gown by Thai Nguyen

Sorry, La La’s not home right now – she’s walking into spiderwebs. Just leave a message and she’ll call you back.

LILY-ROSE DEPP
gown by Chanel

I kind of love that she’s being upstaged by the back of Cara Delevingne’s alien head.

EMMA ROBERTS
gown by Diane von Furstenberg, jewelry by Monique Péan

Wow, someone is taking the 8th Grade Valentine’s Day Dance way too seriously.

THE WEEKND and SELENA GOMEZ
tuxedo by Valentino; gown by Coach, jewelry by Tiffany & Co.

It’s the freakin’ Weeknd, baby, but nobody is having any fun.

ZOEY DEUTCH
gown and earrings by Tory Burch, shoes by Dries Van Noten

Keep the earrings, lose the rest.

SALMA HAYEK
gown by Balenciaga, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz

Your husband owns a company that owns like eight zillion major fashion houses, and you STILL can’t do better than a blue boot-stocking? Sigh.

KATE HUDSON
gown by Stella McCartney, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz

I too have had the nightmare where I’ve arrived at the Met Gala with my taking-my-makeup-off-before-bed Scrunchie still in my hair, but it has not come true for me. Kate, apparently, is not so lucky.

AMY SCHUMER
gown by Zac Posen

She looks like an uncomfortable bat. (And, if that’s what she was going for, there was DEFINITELY a way to do it in an avant-garde, on-theme fashion, but this is not that way.)

NAOMI WATTS
gown by Stella McCartney, jewelry by Harry Winston

Try harder.

MARY J. BLIGE
gown by La Perla, purse by Ethan K

Great Grammys lewk, but this dress is not Met Gala-friendly.

ALEXA CHUNG
gown by Diane von Furstenberg

Remember when people thought she had style? Lololol.

JENNIFER CONNELLY
dress and boots by Louis Vuitton

I swear to Louis Vuitton, this is the only dress Jennifer Connelly ever wears.

LÉA SEYDOUX
gown by Louis Vuitton

Let’s go ahead and agree to NOT make “wearing your grandma’s sexytime bra over a gown” a thing, okay?

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© Democracy Diva, 2017.
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